Siriusly Sorted
by SlytherinsFlower317
Summary: What happens when you have a sorting hat that wants to put the next Black heir into Slytherin and a headstrong young Sirius who wants to go anywhere else? shenanigans of course! But what will Sirius do to convince the hat he's not a snake?


A/N: So obviously we all know I didn't write the Harry Potter series or we'd have a marauders era series already. To be clear though, I do not own Harry Potter or any characters. I just love them and like to imagine their lives since JK hasn't gotten around to it yet.

The mob of intimidated first years huddled together and seemed to shrink even more under the stares of the older students seated at the long tables. Sirius Black tried to force himself to stand tall and not seem as terrified as he was, though he'd never admit to his mother that he even knew how to stand "as his stature called for". That shrew would never let him live it down, and he'd never give her the satisfaction. Just to make sure he wouldn't be mistaken for just some pureblood prince, he made sure to keep a mischievous smile on his face instead of the signature smirk all those prats always wore.

He could just feel the expectant and assessing eyes of the gits in Slytherin who were just waiting for him to be added to their house of bigoted nutters. They had another thing coming though. Sirius Black would NEVER let himself be put in there. This Black would only wear green over his dead body, and not even then if he could avoid it. He couldn't WAIT to see his mother's face when he came home wearing yellow, or even better, red! It didn't really matter what color he wore in the end, as long as his mother hated it.

They stopped shortly before reaching the dias upon which rested a stool with something that looked like it may have once been called a hat a few centuries ago sitting on it. Growing up at Grimmauld had taught him better than to believe what he sees at first glance though. Since it was clear that that lump of cloth had something to do with the sorting ceremony, Sirius felt pretty confident in his assumption. He was validated, and yet somehow still surprised, when the cloth started singing. He'd seen a lot of weird magical items but this...this was a first.

The hat seemed to enjoy having a captive audience (though...could a hat really enjoy anything?) judging by the length of it's song. Honestly, Sirius couldn't bring himself to pay much attention after it started bleating on about unity between the houses. Honestly, how could you trust anything said by a hat that wanted him to make nice with Slytherins?! And that's entirely ignoring the fact that it's a bloody hat that looks like it's a million years old to begin with! Sirius knew all too well what those chuffed gits are like and if that bloody hat thought he'd make nice with them then it had obviously lost the plot!

The witch who'd led them in, Professor McGonagall she'd said her name was, finally unraveled the scroll that held the names of all those to be sorted as the hat stopped singing. Sirius felt his stomach churn with anxiety and couldn't help imagining his mother's triumphant face should he actually be sorted into Slytherin. The apprehension flooded his veins and he questioned how a stupid hat could possibly be put in charge of something so important!

McGonagall (that name was quite a mouthful…. She needed a nickname… something like… Minnie!), began to read the names off the list. "Avery, Estienne," she called out and a young boy that Sirius recognized from his parents' parties stepped forward. A chuckle refused to be suppressed as Sirius remembered all the times he'd mocked Estienne for his rather girly name and continuing to call him "Estie" or "Esther" as Estienne tried to shout back about how his "oh so honorable" name meant crown. Sirius was looking forward to spreading that joy around to all his future, non-Slytherin, housemates.

The hat didn't even seem to touch more than his hair before Estie was sorted into Slytherin. A cold chill went down Sirius' spine at the thought that maybe ALL purebloods went to Slytherin automatically. Maybe it was inescapable… NO. He was NOT going to allow that stupid lump of cloth to lump him in with those useless pureblood ponces. Sirius Orion Black was no snake and no stupid hat would ever say otherwise.

Immediately, Sirius began to think up ways he could make the hat put him somewhere else… How DOES one threaten a hat? He didn't have too much time to worry as just then the Scottish witch called out "Black, Sirius". A boulder of dread settled in his stomach as Sirius forced his legs to carry him up to the stool where his sorting would be decided once and for all.

As the hat touched his hair, Sirius heard a strange voice say, "Another Black, eh? Easy enough then. Sly…."

"Oh no you don't! Stop right there you bloody hat! If you think for one single blasted second you're putting me with those pureblood prats, you've got another thing coming!" Sirius shouted in his mind as loud as he could.

"You're a Black; all Blacks belong in Slytherin. What would your family say if you were sorted somewhere else?"

"That's the point! I'm nothing like the rest of those wankers! So I belong somewhere, anywhere else other than Slytherin! I'm the furthest thing from a snake you can get and you need to realize that BEFORE I get angry and throw you to the Giant Squid!"

"But isn't your willingness to threaten and blackmail me proof of how Slytherin you are?" Sirius startled in his seat. "That's right I saw that! Though I don't know HOW you thought you could blackmail me with memories of your mother! That doesn't…..oh dear... I see…"

Sirius couldn't help but smirk and think harder about the banshee-like shrieks of his mother. He could somehow _feel_ the hat wincing inside of his head (and wasn't that just the strangest feeling ever). At least something positive could come out of having to deal with her ear-shattering yells, even if it was just blackmailing a mind-reading hat.

"Regardless of your mother's….squawking, I have to place you where you would fit the best! I cannot be blackmailed into placing you where you do not belong," the hat said sternly.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you! I am not a snake, and I will never belong there! I'm nothing like them, and I don't ever want to be! You can't put me there just because I'm a Black," Sirius countered angrily, "Look I know I don't belong in Ravenclaw, so just put me in Hufflepuff or Gryffindor. It's not like there aren't other options!"

"I think not Mr. Black! As you rightly said, you do not belong in Ravenclaw. However, you are certainly not suited to Hufflepuff, and I would never put a Black in Gryffindor. I am duty-bound to protect the students of this school, and I fear the Gryffindors may not be accepting of one of your family in their house, especially given the current goings-on in the world. For your own safety, I must insist on-"

Sirius interrupted, "That's the point! If you put me in Slytherin, I could… What if I end up like them? Agreeing with them? I don't want to be that way. I'd do anything to avoid it! So if you put me in their house, I'll fight them constantly. I won't have a single moment of peace or safety in the common rooms. Who knows what could happen to me if you put me in there because I'll never going along with them and they'll hate me for it. If your job is really to protect students like me, then you can't put me in Slytherin!"

"And how do you know that the Gryffindors will be any better? They will be suspicious of you, I can promise you that. Their worries may lead them to lash out at you. You may never earn their trust. Are you willing to live like that, Mr. Black?" Sirius felt rather heartened at how contemplative the hat now sounded.

"It doesn't matter how suspicious they are of me. No matter how threatened they feel, they can't be worse that a whole house of blood purists when faced with a blood traitor in their midst. I'll win over the Gryffindors eventually! Even if I don't, I'd rather be alone in the lion den than drowning in the snake pit any day," Sirius answered sincerely. As an afterthought he added, "Plus if you put me in Slytherin and I happen to survive, I WILL come back one day when I've learned all the spells I can and burn you."

That was it. Sirius was out of cards to play now. He'd given it his all and now all that was left was to let things fall where they may. He hoped to Merlin it'd been enough to save him from the dungeons (literally). The Sorting Hat was quiet inside his mind and seemed to be thinking over what Sirius had said.

"Alright then," the hat spoke confidently, "You leave me no choice."

Sirius felt his stomach somehow simultaneously flip and clench with dreadful anticipation. This was it. After the hat called out his house there'd be no going back. So much was riding on this one moment, and he felt as if he were being suffocated by his fear that maybe the hat had not been convinced.

The Great Hall was filled with tension. What should have been a fast and easy sort was taking far longer than was usual. Students all over the hall were looking at each other in confusion. At the Slytherin table, students were looking at the other Black family member in their midst, Narcissa Black. She simply sat up straighter and kept her face calm and expressionless as she watched her young cousin sit under the sorting hat.

Suddenly, the tension was broken as a booming voice called out, "Gryffindor!" For a moment, the entire hall sat stunned in their seats. This young pureblood boy (a Black for Merlin's sake!) sorted into Gryffindor?! It was beyond all imagining!

Minerva McGonagall could scarcely believe it herself, though she shot a small glare at her house's prefects to encourage them to begin clapping for their newest member. A Black he may be, but he was one of her lion cubs now and would be treated as such! The prefects began to clap, if somewhat hesitantly, and the rest of the house soon followed suit.

Sirius felt pure, wonderful relief flow through his veins and an enormous weight lift off his shoulders at the announcement. He stood and proudly walked over to the Gryffindor table. The boy couldn't care less if their clapping was less enthusiastic than it could have been or if the entire great hall seemed to be gossiping about how a Black managed to be sorted as a lion. He'd prove to them all that he belonged here soon enough.

As the hat had predicted, his housemates were quite wary of him and gave him a wide berth when he sat at the table. Unconcerned, Sirius was more than prepared to give them time to adjust to the idea of him being in their house. He'd find _some_ way to entertain himself until they were comfortable befriending him.

It seems that both he and the hat had underestimated the bravery of the lions, however. A boy named James Potter was sorted into Gryffindor, to thunderous applause, and didn't hesitate to plop down on the bench right next to Sirius. James looked at him and stuck out his hand to introduce himself.

"So! You sure got those snakes' tails in a knot by getting put here. I like that! You know we'll have to work hard to top this, but I'm sure we'll figure something out. I'm James Potter," he finished with a wide smile.


End file.
